Can you change someone through prayer, good advice, and lots of elbow grease? Find out what doctors Henry Cloud and John Townsend have to say in this devotion from the NIV Life Journey Bible. -Adam Forrest
Influence vs. Control
Moses did what he could, but he did not try to change things outside of his domain. He changed himself by mustering his own courage, appearing before Pharaoh and delivering God’s message. But he could not change Pharaoh’s heart, nor did he try. Yes, he worked to influence Pharaoh, but he did not have the power to make Pharaoh follow his wishes.
Though Pharaoh was clearly in the wrong, it was not Moses’ job to change him. It was his job to deliver the message.
Like Moses, our boundaries help define what we do not have power over: everything outside of them! As the “Serenity Prayer” reminds us [see below the jump], we need the courage to change the things we can and the peace to accept the things we can’t change. In other words, “God, clarify my boundaries!” We can work on submitting ourselves to the process and work with God to change us. We cannot change anything else: not the weather, the past, the economy — and especially not other people.
We cannot change others. We can only give them love, help, truth and consequences and hope that they will choose to use those things.
Moses had no confidence in his own words to change Pharaoh’s mind, but he did give the warning. Then God provided plagues as a sign of his power and protection for Israel. In the same way, God does not judge us when we are at the end of our abilities in a troubled relationship or situation. He just asks us to be faithful, and then, as we ask him to help us, he will provide a new way.
The Serenity Prayer
The “Serenity Prayer” is of uncertain origin, although it has been attributed to various persons, including an eighteenth-century theologian named Friedrich Oetinger and the well-known twentieth-century theologian Reinhold Niebuhr. The prayer reads,
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
-From The NIV Life Journey Bible with notes by Dr. Henry Cloud (@DrHenryCloud) and Dr. John Townsend (@DrJohnTownsend)
Learn more about The NIV Life Journey Bible: Find the Answers for Your Whole Life
Q: I’m especially struck by these words: “Though Pharaoh was clearly in the wrong, it was not Moses’ job to change him. It was his job to deliver the message.” How about you — In your life, are you expecting yourself to change someone or something — when the best and most faithful thing you can do is simply tell the truth? -AF
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2 Responses to Can You Change Someone Else?
Timothy Fish September 25, 2012
I really hate the first sentence of this post, “Can you change someone through prayer, good advice, and lots of elbow grease?” Obviously, the answer can only be yes, but it implies that that may not be the case. Good advice and elbow grease can certainly influence people, so on that basis alone the answer would be yes. But what I really hate about this question is that it makes prayer seem like a magic charm. Just mix in some prayer, some good advice, lot of elbow grease, and there before you stands Cinderella. I believe the question itself implies a bad understanding of prayer. Prayer is no more and no less than talking to God. The power of prayer is the power of God. It is God who changes people and God has the ability to change any person. So, can prayer change people? Absolutely. Does God always answer prayer the way we want him to? Absolutely not.
Adam Forrest (@adamforrest) September 25, 2012
Hi Timothy, I actually think the answer to “Can you change someone” is “no,” because I agree with Cloud and Townsend’s distinction between influencing and changing someone. The distinction as they see it is grounded in how we view personal responsibility and boundaries.
As I understand their use of the word *influence*, it’s about using our skills and powers in our personal domain to speak and act faithfully. By contrast, *control* is about acting on a desire to be the ultimate source of growth or change in another person (aka “outside of our domain”). Controlling or changing someone would be like hoping our faithful speech and action works like “a magic charm,” as you aptly said. (I agree with your thoughts that prayer is not a magic charm.)
Does this mean we should stop trying to influence people? No. We can’t avoid influence any more than we can avoid generating body heat — and we can influence people for good when we are faithful.
Should we stop trying to impose our wills, or control / control / change / “use magic charms” on others? Yes.
What do you (Timothy and others) think? Do you find the distinction between influence and control useful?
-Adam